5 Signs You’re a People Pleaser and How it’s Impacting Your Life
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the signs of being a people pleaser versus genuinely “being nice” - especially as a woman. At its core, people pleasing occurs when you consistently put others’ needs before your own at the expense of your own well-being. This might look like having a hard time saying “no” when you know you really want to or avoiding having a difficult conversation when it will benefit your relationships.
As a therapist who specializes in working with women, I see a lot of people-pleasing in the therapy room. A lot of my clients have a hard time shifting their people pleasing behaviors by doing things like setting boundaries with others because the get stuck in a narrative where they need to be “nice.” Some also get stuck in their whole identity being wrapped up in being “caring,” or “nurturing” This can then coincide with approval seeking behaviors and needing validation from others.
The first thing I always try to help my client’s understand is that people pleasing is not about being a good person, It’s about avoiding negative emotions. It’s a little bit of a hot take but so important to understand when you begin to build your own self-awareness around these behaviors and how to cope with them.
If you’re here, my guess is you’re curious to know whether you exhibit signs of a people pleaser and what you can do about it.
You have difficulty saying no
People pleasers often have a hard time saying no. If this is you, my guess is you often do things you may not want to do to the point of burn out and exhaustion. Maybe you stay late at work after your boss asked for help completing a report and now you can’t attend your kid’s soccer game or a happy hour with friends. Or you might take a phone call from a friend who needs to vent about their day even though you’re emotionally and physically exhausted yourself.
Saying “no” is often accompanied by guilt or anxiety so you choose to do more in order to avoid the discomfort of guilt. You’re then left with slim to no energy to care for yourself OR to check in with yourself to see how you are doing.
Over time, it becomes ingrained to ignore ourselves and our own needs and desires until you on the verge of extreme burnout and emotional exhaustion. This could take months or many years, but it will come at some point. Your body will tell you, usually loudly.
Saying “no” is an easy place to start small for lower stake situations. Pick something small to say no to and try it today - this could be if someone asks if you want to eat Mexican for dinner when you had it for lunch or if you want to stay up for one more episode. Remember - it doesn’t make you a bad person.
You seek constant approval
You have a hard time trusting your own instincts and constantly need approval from others. This may look like seeking verbalizations from co-workers or a boos that you’re doing a good job or making the right call. You go out of your way and do more and more because you think this is what others want from you. You can need positive validation and approval from others, but not rely on it to feel good about yourself. Everyone likes to hear we are doing a good job - the difference is in knowing you’re doing a good job without it. Think of external validation as icing on the cake - cake is plenty delicious and sweet without it (not talking about you, icing junkies!).
True self-confidence is about embracing your authentic self, flaws and all.
You avoid conflict
People pleasers will put in some serious effort to avoid confrontation and conflict. Some of it is conscious but it is mostly sub-conscious because it has become so ingrained in your way of functioning. Your own feelings, needs, and values are then minimized and ignored. You may consider “keeping the peace” your natural gift or talent - you SO GOOD at it! Which might be true, but it doesn’t always end up serving you well.
Relationships with others require open and honest communication. All communication - even the difficult parts. When you sacrifice your own feelings and needs over and over again, resentment may build over time which is like poison in a relationship. Navigating conflict in a healthy way that feels safe for both parties can help you in your own personal growth and assertive communication. Communication - both joyful and conflictual - leads to stronger and more genuine connections…something we all need.
You have difficulty setting and holding boundaries
Do you often find yourself setting boundaries but then allowing others to push past them without objection? If yes, then your boundary setting may need some attention. Healthy, strong boundaries lead to self-respect and protection of your own emotional well-being. They also teach others how to treat you and respect your boundaries.
To practice, find a small place to start. Place a time boundary around your day (ie - wake-up time, small breaks) or put your phone on “do not disturb” after a certain time at night.
Click here for more helpful tips on setting boundaries.
You fear rejection and abandonment
One of the root causes and driving force of people pleasing is a fear that others will leave us or not like us if we tell them “no” or not give in to their requests. We may think we will not be able to find another partner or friend again and the thought of being alone or loneliness becomes too much to bear. These fears often begin in childhood and are reinforced by difficult experiences we encounter as we develop. Mutual respect, understanding, and communication is the foundation for healthy relationships. Bring true and authentic with yourself will attract the people who appreciate and respect all the parts of you.
The risks of people pleasing
People pleasing can effect all areas of your life making it difficult to live your life authentically and in line with your values. Creating time and space for self-reflection is a great place to start in becoming more aware of your people pleasing tendencies and areas to focus on change. Here are a few areas where it can have a big impact -
Resentment and Burnout: You may become frustrated and angry from not having your own needs met. These feelings often creep up without us even knowing it is present within us. As it grows it can create difficulties in relationships and impact your mental health.
Loss of Authenticity: Suppression of thoughts, feelings, and desires can lead to a loss of who you really are in your inner core and create a disconnection from yourself. You may start to forget your needs or start to believe what you are telling others is true.
Unhealthy Relationships: Constantly putting the needs of others before your own leads to one-sided relationships and increases the risk of communication difficulties, resentment, and burnout.
Reduced Self-Esteem: Relying on approval from those around you can diminish your self-esteem and self-worth. Intense worry and fear of criticism and rejection takes a hit on your self-esteem and minimizes overall well-being.
Ineffective Communication: Assertiveness is very difficult for people pleasers. You may not know how to or have extreme difficulty expressing your own needs or setting boundaries leading to to misunderstandings and unmet expectations.
Limited Personal Growth: When you're constantly focused on meeting others' needs, you neglect opportunities for your own grown, self-awareness, and pursuing your own goals.
Difficulty Making Decisions: Decision paralysis and powerlessness is a common struggle for people pleasers. Spending more time taking other people’s preferences and opinions create a challenge in making decisions for themselves.
Bottom line
If any of this tracks for you and you feel like people-pleasing is having an impact on your life - you’re not alone! Finding a balance between empathy, kindness, and care for others and yourself will increase your overall well-being and how you show up in your world. Be gentle with yourself as you work towards setting healthy boundaries, expressing your needs, and nurturing your self-worth. Your authentic, badass self is deserving of love, appreciation, and respect!
Therapy can help
If you feel like you’re getting stuck along the way or want more guided support, it may be time to seek a consultation with a therapist. Contact Real Well Therapy here or call 512-686-7009.
Want to learn more about how anxiety therapy can help you? Click here!
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Disclaimer: the information provided in this blog post is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.
