5 Simple Steps for Setting Boundaries
Boundaries is a hot term these days and becoming more and more common in the mainstream world. And I have some hot takes…ha! Unfortunately, the term “boundary” can also get overly and inappropriately used at times but at their core boundaries are great! I love them and use them in sessions ALL. THE. TIME. Setting boundaries is a healthy way to take care of yourself, help you feel more in control, and help you build better relationships with the people around you. If you’re not used to it or if you have people pleasing tendencies, setting boundaries can be a challenge. If you’re here, you’re either curious or know you need more boundaries in your life.
Here are five simple steps:
Step 1: Reflect on your needs and priorities
Start by thinking about the things that are making you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. This is a crucial first step as you cannot communicate with others or set a boundary without a clear understanding of your needs. Knowing this information acts as a guidepost in your life to areas that may need a change or a boundary set. Write them down and be specific. Don’t just say “my job.” Say “my job with a supervisor that doesn’t respect my boundaries.” You could go even further with “my job with a supervisor who consistently asks me to come in early or stay late.” Pick one thing that is causing issues with you self-care, inner peace or calm and focus on that area first. Identifying your needs will help you identify any boundaries needed and help communicate them confidently and consistently.
When it comes to other people's behavior, remember that they are likely unaware of how their actions could be affecting you in negative ways. They may even think they're helping! So instead of blaming them for anything (which will only cause frustration), try talking with them about how their behavior affects you instead. This can often lead to an understanding where both parties feel better about things afterwards—and no one feels attacked!
Step 2: Use “I” statements to express yourself.
Relationship communication 101 – “I statements.” It’s a no-brainer but can be tricky without a little practice. “I” statements are not something we are taught in grade school or college (unless you are a fellow therapist, of course!). While simple, they can make a significant difference in how your message is received. Instead of placing blame or making assumptions right away, take a moment and identify how the situation is making you feel.
For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to do too make things at once” instead of “you always as me to everything, it’s such a burden.”
Or..
“I feel disrespected when I’m asked to stay later than I planned for” instead of “you always ask me to work too much.”
Step 3: Be firm yet respectful
Setting boundaries does not give you a hall pass to be an asshole. I say that bluntly but a lot of folks I see – especially people pleasers – have a hard time with confrontation and fear coming across as rude. There is a big difference between rude and assertive and putting thought into finding the difference can go a long way. Being respectfully firm in your communication allows you to acknowledge the other person’s perspective and feelings while still asserting your own limits. By finding the balance, you encourage open dialogue and demonstrate that you value not only yourself but also the relationship you have with that other person.
Step 4: Offer alternative solutions
It’s helpful to be able to offer alternative solutions or compromises whenever possible. Some people are not aware of how their behavior is effecting you and would be willing to make a change if they know what would be more helpful. This also demonstrates your willingness to find middle ground and maintain a collaborate atmosphere. It shows others that you value the relationship you have with them. For example, if a colleague frequently interrupts your work, you can kindly say, “I appreciate your input, but can we schedule a specific time later to discuss this so I can focus on my current task?” instead of “I don’t have time for that right now.”
Step 5: Practice self-care and maintain consistency
Setting boundaries is a lifelong process, but the stress in doing so doesn’t have to be lifelong. Think of it as an addition to your ongoing mental health care plan. Be kind to yourself and stick to the limits you’ve set, reinforcing the message that your boundaries are essential. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. They help you nurture your relationships in a way that feels healthier and more fulfilling - the opposite of selfish!
Other things to consider:
Think about your responses when you feel anxious
For the anxious type, setting boundaries might lead to overthinking around “what if" or “worst case” scenarios. What if somebody finds out about my boundaries and gets angry? What if my boss thinks I'm not a team player? What if someone leaves because I set a boundary? These are all very common reactions to boundary setting. By identifying your anxiety in the moment and choosing how you respond when you feel anxious is a way to find control in situations where you may feel out of control.
Keep track of your thoughts and feelings
It’s completely normal to find that some days are easier for you to set boundaries than others. It’s typically more difficult if you’re physically tired, emotionally exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed. It’s helpful to pay attention to how you feel when you communicate a boundary. Is it easier to do with some people more than others? Are certain boundaries easier to set than other boundaries? Does it trigger a certain feeling more than other feelings such as a connection to self-worth or a desire to be liked? Doing so can help you see what is working for you and what isn't.
Bottom line
Setting boundaries helps you maintain healthy relationships and an overall healthy well-being. It can be difficult to know where to start if you're used to being a people-pleaser or someone who allows others' needs and wants to take priority over your own. With practice and patience, it can becomes easier as time goes on. And you don’t have to be perfect at it! It’s perfectly normal and okay to stumble through it at times.
Therapy can help
If you feel like you’re getting stuck along the way or want more guided support, it may be time to seek a consultation with a therapist. Contact Real Well Therapy here or call 512-686-7009.
Want to learn more about how anxiety therapy can help you? Click here!
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